Remember who you are

Remember who you are

These are some pretty powerful words as in SecondLife I was and  still struggle with this idea of who I am. As some of you  on my Tiny Empires line know that I  had switched places with my  RL mom Shannon Sittingbull  as a Viceroy  when my mom had a stroke. I have had an amazing time before the switch happend  before that time had happend  I was known around parts of the grid as  Neil Slade's and Shannon Sittingbull's daughter at  certain clubs. Neil's rl daughter Nadia was more open at times about being a shifter on SL and not afraid of changing  forms or even what others thought.  Back then  I wish I was as brave as she was. Most who know me  either know me as a Neko or Human but not  as the lioness or the wolf I have became.

Rafiki had  it right when  he said, "Yes the past can hurt. But the way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it". 

I refuse to take away my Secondlife past as I journey into the future. Some have even told me on the day of my recent SL handfasting that  what I was doing was a mistake and that I was losing myself for  the other person. I say I disagree to  what the others say and that I haven't lost myself at all  and that  I  gained someone  I shouldn't have lost and let go in the first place. They all said the first time when my now Partner got  together with me then as well that we were rushing into things. If  I am making a mistake it is no one but my own to make.

He makes me a better person even  though  I am constantly  telling  him  to go away and just leave almost every other day. I don't understand how I can be so loved on my hard days. He gets me to do things that  I haven't in years and I remember who I am. I am the artist the one who  draws and paints colors  into a world  that if left  alone  would be dark and grey.  So thanks to  him I do remember and  remembering at times hurts because  not everything I have been through is pretty. There are others  that I should thank as well but there would be too many people to list.

RFL Weekend-- The Sound of Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains within the sound of silence

 Opening Ceremony was on June 6th  at 10 am. Although I might not be fully able to do as I wished this weekend  my heart is always  here  during this very special weekend. At 11:00am on Saturday is always the caregiver/survivor lap then at noon is the Teams lap. I didn't have the time this  year to join a team like  I normally  do when this  weekend does come around. Do I regret not  joining a team of course I do. I lost so many important  and special  people  in my life due to different types of  cancer. People  told me  that  the darkness that comes with  grief from losing  someone  gets easier with time but  I disagree. I feel like time  stole away  family, mentors as well as friends. If you ever watched someone  going chemo or radiation its a draining on the caretaker as well as the patient. I was a caretaker for my grandmother for years. When she passed it felt like I had not only lost my grandma but a friend.

So light 'em up, up, up

Light 'em up, up, up

Light 'em up, up, up

So this year the Luminaria is set to receive donations starting at a donation level of $L 50.  You can light a luminaria at any time once the regions are open right up to and through the ceremony itself (and until relay ends). When a donation is made by paying the luminaria,  you will have the opportunity to enter the name of the person you wish to remember. This is optional.  The luminaria will change colors based upon the amount donated according to the following levels:

 Yellow  50 to 499
Green 500 to 999
Blue 1000 to 2499
Orange 2500 to 4999
Pink 5000 to 9999
Purple 10000 and over

When donating to a luminaria, a box will appear asking if you would like to dedicate In Memory or In Honor. Once you choose one if you want, another  box will appear on your screen where you can type the name or message.  Once you have completed, you will see the text hovering above the luminaria.  Default amounts set on the luminaria can be typed over so you can choose your donation level.Please note that the Luminaria will accept any donation amount, but will only light up with a minimum single donation of $L 50.

I for one would rather spend all my Lindens this weekend lighting up Luminarias than  having  the newest  and latest  outfit to wear, a home on Second Life  that I can show off to all my friends or even a brand new Second Life Car that I want to learn to drive because I can't drive in RL. None of that really matters but what does matter  the most to at least someone like me is seeing the track all beautifully lit up by  closing ceremony on Sunday at 10am. 

As always I do not nor will I ever own  the songs  I used. I would love to be the one to say I had written "Sound of Silence" or "Light 'em up" by Fall Out Boy. If anyone who knows me knows that I prefer Disturbed's version of "Sound of Silence" over the orginal. As always my friends share your thoughts with me. I love  hearing stories,  thoughts and being challenged on writing topics.

Challenge Accepted - How SL helped or didn't help durning Covid

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

#shareyourthoughts 

As the article title states I had asked one of my many readers on  what they thought I should write about. This person suggested to me that I should  write about how SL helped or didn't help durning this  pandemic.

 So just before the pandemic happend I had just recently came back to  SL due to my own whims. On March 14th the day the news broke here in the US I was just dealing with the wanderlust thoughts of what I hadn't yet accomplished here on SL.

I've been told that I need to  write my truth and trust me  not all of it is pretty.  The truth is at this time I would rather be  around those close to me than to be around a bunch of people  who don't get or understand where I'm coming from. To my small circle of friends here  I want to say thank you for always being available   to listen  before this  had happend as well as after. Especially thank you to all of those who I talk to almost every day since  things  had gotten worse for me due to my RL job had cut my hours and I am spending so much  of my free time either back here on SL. As some of you know I am an essential worker in RL  which meant I  didn't lose my RL job when everything  took place it had meant that  I was working insane hours dealing with rude customers for 15 hours a shift when my boss decided that  she needed me full time  there at the RL job as a Shift manager.

 I've been almost everything  that one could ever truly desire except  well  famous or even a designer.I've  started SL as a dancer and from there  my job career went from stripper/escort all the way to model. While as a model I discovered my worth as a writer and that people wanted to get to know me as a person not as the perfect barbie I  wanted to be back in 2007. SecondLife created a safe haven for me and in return this safe haven allowed me  to speak out about what it was like to have Bipolar Disorder and it allowed me to make friends who didn't judge me on whether I was going to have a manic or a depressed episode unlike Real Life. So to whoever  out there  is reading this  know your worth. Don't settle for anything. I never let myself settle even though there were many times that  I didn't think that I could or was good enough to work for someone as kind and generous as LoveCat Thei. 

Shortly after the years I model I started taking  my writing seriously and really started blogging. I blogged for  +FacePalm+, +HeadDesk+, Dark Passion-Koffin Nails as well as Heydra and NailMe.I  felt at the time that I  was selling myself for less than what I was worth because even thought I loved the outfits and that I would go into full details of carefully planning  every little detail of the full outfit  and all the locations  I was not happy so for now I write for myself as a freelancer. Maybe one day I will consider being  a blogger with sponsors but  for now I am enjoying writing as I see fit.

 So I do think that  SL has helped  durning this harsh time of where  many are depressed and feeling alone but if you really think about it you can just sim hop or  go to a new event area   or even  adventure  off to a hunt  there  is  many things that can be done in a day.  Like I said earlier  that the whole mania/depression feelings that are so new to others due to Covid I've experienced these  rollercoaster emotions since I  was 16. So when my friends don't want to hang out  on SL right now and would rather talk from a distance I'm  beyond okay with it because  yeah the anixety can be bad at time especially from the forced amount of social distancing that must be done.

 As you can see from the previous two post that I had spent almost two weeks  over at RFL Fantasy Faire. I know from the pictures  that  I had posted durning that time that I had taken them. It takes alot of time and effort to decide  which pictures I actually  like  and am willing to  post.If someone had seen my flash drive to where I had  moved all my pictures to someone would think  that I'm insane.  

 

 

Fantasy Faire Part 2

Sorry for the late  post  ya'll but this is from the rest of the days of Fantasy Faire. I had meant to  post this earlier with  good  intentions,  yet  real life  interfered  like  the day earlier  this  week I had messed up my knee so badly that  I was in so much pain to sit still let alone  visit some of these amazing and awesome designers as well as sims.

I spent  well over a 1,000 in Ls  but  the money  that was spent  is going  to a  cause that  I  believe in. I am  looking forward into spending  as much time and energy on the track this year for  Relay weekend  taking pictures as  well as making  some new friends as well as struggling  in saying good bye  to  all those that we  have lost.

I am not  one  who says little words like "Goodbye" or "I love you" well or quite easily because I struggle with them. To me "Goodbye" is permant and  can not be taken back. I've been taught over the  years "Don't Cry because its over. Smile because it happend".  Some years  its harder than others to smile because things happend.  How do you say goodbye because its getting  harder  to do just that  then when  the months and the years flew by so quickly because I left and bolted because  I wasn't ready to let go of  the special connections of those that I lost. I can  never get back the time I lost because  I made foolish choices of  bolting and running away because  the  running was always  easier. Never did I feel so  hurt when  I  was told that  I had lost a few good friends by  my person I  felt shattered.
 

 I know  in neither of  my Fantasy Faire  posts that I did not go into details about  what I'm wearing or who designed my outfits and hair. I normally  would go into details but  to me personally events like Fantasy Faire,  RFL as well as Burning  man  I feel that the details of  such would take away  from the beauty of the pictures. Especially when  I change  clothes so  quickly at these events that  it  would take forever because the  pictures are sometimes days apart. Yes I love to go into detail normally but  I want to share with everyone my thoughts and my feelings over the past  week or so. If you ask me events  like these are too short to  see everything if you work the insanity  hours that I work rl wise. No one tells you that you can't see everything in the given 18 days even if you  barely  sleep and try your best to  hit every single sim  to see all the  amazing wonderful experience that their are. Some of these pictures that I took are some of my personal favorites. I ended up taking  over a couple hundred pictures. Each of the chosen  pictures  have  a personal  or special meaning to those who have become as close as family to me. I think its a nice  break  to just go enjoy something like this. I  went almost every day that I could with either  a SL family member  or a friend.

Fantasy Faire

So here are my first few pictures this year from Fantasy Faire.  Now Fantasy Faire is  the largest fantasy-related event to take place in Second Life, will take place in 2020 from Thursday, April 23rd, through Sunday May 10th, 2020. Once again raising money for the global work of the American Cancer Society as a part of the Relay for Life of Second Life 2020 season.

This year's motto is Strong Together.Celebrating its twelfth year, Fantasy Faire 2020 is the largest gathering of fantasy designers, enthusiasts, role-players and performers in the virtual world. From Thursday, April 23 to Sunday May 10, treat yourself to shopping, dance and theater performances, DJ parties, auctions, questing, our Literary Festival, fantasy art, events and role-playing as thousands of Second Life residents and creators bring their own visions together to support the American Cancer Society’s vision of a world without cancer.

As always, you’ll find fantasy avatars, clothing, furnishings, gadgets and exclusive items available from almost 200 of Second Life’s top Fantasy Creators across thirteen stunning regions designed by some of the visionary artists behind many of the hottest spots on the Second Life destination guide.
In addition to the thirteen shopping regions there will also be five Faireland realms that take us beyond commerce, from a Memorial Garden to the Fairelands Quest, the Literary Festival, Performance Stages, from Art Galleries to the Worldling Collection. These bring the Fairelands count for 2020 to eighteen regions.

Now  Strong Together means alot to me because  not only have I lost RL and SL family members  as well as some of my best friends.  Without  my friends and this great community of people  we are strong  together. I'm probably will add  some more from  Fantasy Faire in a day or two  but for now here's a song to enjoy

Truth Hurts Part Two

So yeah  its about  time   that I stop  for a moment  and post up  the pictures. I'm still not in the best headspace but why hide  the pictures when  in fact truth does hurt  at times What  am I scared of  when there really  isn't anything I can  do but face things head on. The  pictures  feel only about  half justice was done to them like  the pictures I've taken in 2013 were some of  my better work.


I would love to know  what  ya'll think cause its good to get out of my own headspace at times. It be great to know what ya'll thought of these pictures. Be as harsh with them as ya want. The black and white was my favorite out of  all the  pictures I took recently.  Maybe its  due to the fact that all the little details are clearer than the  colored one.

Truth Hurts Part 1

It's been awhile since I was properly active here on SecondLife. I used to churn out blogs on the regular, but I haven't really  written one in ages. Sometimes I sit with a blank page in front of me, watching the cursor appear and disappear, willing the inspiration and the words to come.

I log in and browse almost every day. I leave the occasional comment, but am mostly an observer.
It's not that I don't like this place, or that I don't want to participate. That's not the case at all.
I've just felt kind of 'meh'. I've felt detached from my self
This evening I was thinking about it. Exploring it in my head, searching for the sparks that used to build such a roaring fire of lust in me.

And I couldn't find them for weeks
Instead, what I found was a single thought:
I don't want to be a sub any more.
I considered that idea for awhile, tossing it backwards and forwards in my head, thinking about what  relationships would look like for a 'nilla version of Regi would look like.

It  just wouldn't work. I can't change who I am in my heart. To try denying who I know I am would be pointless, frustrating, and probably painful. I would be sad and unsatisfied.
So I am deciding to write this. I decided to explore what lies beneath that single pained thought - I don't want to be a sub any more. Why? Where does it come from? What does it really mean? How did this all start?And out tumbled a stream of thoughts. A flurry of consciousness.

Anger with myself for bad decisions I've made in the past. I thought I'd sorted through those feelings, but clearly not. How could I be so bloody stupid? How could my judgment be so bad?

If you behave like prey, don't be surprised when you attract the predators. That's what someone I respect says, and he is right. It is then hard to sort the good wolves from the bad wolves - especially when they all have such deliciously shiny teeth.

It's conflicting. To know that while the feeling of being hunted makes me wet, what happens next can hurt me in ways I don't enjoy at all.
So that's what it all comes down to. The same thing it always comes down to eventually:
Fear.I am afraid of where my  thoughts will  lead me. I am afraid of getting it wrong. I am afraid of being hurt. I am afraid of being a sub. And I don't know how to fix it.