It's been awhile since I was properly active here on SecondLife. I used to
churn out blogs on the regular, but I haven't really written one in
ages. Sometimes I sit with a blank page in front of me, watching the cursor
appear and disappear, willing the inspiration and the words to come.
I log in and browse almost every day. I leave the occasional comment,
but am mostly an observer.
It's not that I don't like this place, or that I don't want to participate. That's not the case at all.
I've just felt kind of 'meh'. I've felt detached from my self
This evening I was thinking about it. Exploring it in my head,
searching for the sparks that used to build such a roaring fire of lust
in me.
And I couldn't find them for weeks
Instead, what I found was a single thought:
I don't want to be a sub any more.
I considered that idea for awhile, tossing it backwards and forwards
in my head, thinking about what relationships would look like
for a 'nilla version of Regi would look like.
It just wouldn't work. I can't change who I am in my heart. To try denying
who I know I am would be pointless, frustrating, and probably painful. I
would be sad and unsatisfied.
So I am deciding to write this. I decided to explore what lies beneath that single pained thought -
I don't want to be a sub any more. Why? Where does it come from? What does it really mean? How did this all start?And out tumbled a stream of thoughts. A flurry of consciousness.
Anger with myself for bad decisions I've made in the past. I thought
I'd sorted through those feelings, but clearly not. How could I be so
bloody stupid? How could my judgment be so bad?
If you behave like prey, don't be surprised when you attract the predators.
That's what someone I respect says, and he is right. It is then hard to
sort the good wolves from the bad wolves - especially when they all
have such deliciously shiny teeth.
It's conflicting. To know that while the feeling of being hunted
makes me wet, what happens next can hurt me in ways I don't enjoy
at all.
So that's what it all comes down to. The same thing it always comes down to eventually:
Fear.I am afraid of where my thoughts will lead me. I am afraid of getting it wrong. I am afraid of being hurt. I am afraid of being a sub. And I don't know how to fix it.
Today had this whole different careless feel to it. Like I was free to do as I please and my whims would lead to no one getting hurt. Or so I thought.But in the process of my rare moments of "me time" I did hurt a friend's feelings cause my time of taking pictures and the want for being alone didn't fit into hangout time we had a slight disagreement,Its hard to please everyone especially with the schedule I now keep of getting off work at Midnight Est and didnt understand why I wanted to take pictures when a few days before I had taken pictures of the Chinese New Year Photos.
The Chinese zodiac is divided into 12
blocks (or houses) just like its western counterpart, but with the major
difference being that each house has a time-length of one year instead
of one month. 
