Truth Hurts Part 1

It's been awhile since I was properly active here on SecondLife. I used to churn out blogs on the regular, but I haven't really  written one in ages. Sometimes I sit with a blank page in front of me, watching the cursor appear and disappear, willing the inspiration and the words to come.

I log in and browse almost every day. I leave the occasional comment, but am mostly an observer.
It's not that I don't like this place, or that I don't want to participate. That's not the case at all.
I've just felt kind of 'meh'. I've felt detached from my self
This evening I was thinking about it. Exploring it in my head, searching for the sparks that used to build such a roaring fire of lust in me.

And I couldn't find them for weeks
Instead, what I found was a single thought:
I don't want to be a sub any more.
I considered that idea for awhile, tossing it backwards and forwards in my head, thinking about what  relationships would look like for a 'nilla version of Regi would look like.

It  just wouldn't work. I can't change who I am in my heart. To try denying who I know I am would be pointless, frustrating, and probably painful. I would be sad and unsatisfied.
So I am deciding to write this. I decided to explore what lies beneath that single pained thought - I don't want to be a sub any more. Why? Where does it come from? What does it really mean? How did this all start?And out tumbled a stream of thoughts. A flurry of consciousness.

Anger with myself for bad decisions I've made in the past. I thought I'd sorted through those feelings, but clearly not. How could I be so bloody stupid? How could my judgment be so bad?

If you behave like prey, don't be surprised when you attract the predators. That's what someone I respect says, and he is right. It is then hard to sort the good wolves from the bad wolves - especially when they all have such deliciously shiny teeth.

It's conflicting. To know that while the feeling of being hunted makes me wet, what happens next can hurt me in ways I don't enjoy at all.
So that's what it all comes down to. The same thing it always comes down to eventually:
Fear.I am afraid of where my  thoughts will  lead me. I am afraid of getting it wrong. I am afraid of being hurt. I am afraid of being a sub. And I don't know how to fix it.